The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
