Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
