That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
