i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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