the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
