he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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