you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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