I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
