I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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