Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
