oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
