Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
