I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
