apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
