i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
