1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
