I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
