It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
