i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Drunk is not a location!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
