My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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