My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
