Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
