Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
