my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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