Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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