Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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