my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
