that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
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This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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