I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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