You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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