I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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