I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
