Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
