should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
