the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
