Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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