I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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