we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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