Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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