I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
