don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
