I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
