Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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