K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize