Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
