just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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