So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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