There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
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I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
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Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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