I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
