do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
