Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
