how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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