P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
