I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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